Friday, May 29, 2009

Did You Hear It?

Okay, so it's a weird little esoteric holiday. I can dig that. If you wanna put it to the side and say, "Weird little esoteric, I'll wink at you and keep walking" that's no problem for me. Honestly I usually miss it. I'm usually in some sort of state of major fluxx right now, wondering which way is up. This year I was resolute in wanting to observe Shavuot. It was the red-headed step-child of Jewish holidays, always forgotten.

I planned on going to the Adas Israel synogogue, where Tikkun Leil Shabbat (TLS) and Adas (and I don't know who else) were going to do the all-night study session. It started at 9 and I shut my eyes at 7, wanting to catch a cat-nap before the long hours. Four hours later I woke up. Nice. I do that. Should've known better.

Okay, fine. I've done holidays solo before. Gives me the time and space to really bury my head in texts, and think and think and think.

I woke up to a thunderstorm. Gentle thunder, not frightening. I read just a moment ago of a mystical tradition that says the skies open up during this night for a brief instant and at that very moment G-d will favorably answer any prayer. Then I thought, crap, I missed it.

Then I laughed.

I wonder if it makes a difference to anyone else out there to know that for all my seriousness, for all my potentially apparent religious devotion, there is a mental divide where I can reflect on the mysticism with cynicism. I am the shrugging new high priest, letting the people make a Golden Calf while Moses is off communing with G-d.

Then I get all devout and shit again.

I will do and I will listen. Then I'll question and pull it apart and buck Your authority. I'll get my heart crushed and I'll shake my fist at the sky and scream "WHY?" I might get mad and walk away, but I'll be back. That's pretty much how it works with me and You. It's what makes it real, and not just me going through the motions, either on the devout end or on the questioning end.

Know what I mean?

No comments:

Post a Comment