I'm really not the most social person in the world. Really. I can do the social thing. Sometimes it's easier than others. And some situations really confuse me.
The work thing, for example, brings much mental stress. I know my position puts me at a level of the program mangers... I *am* a program manager, for all intents and purposes. So I'm supposed to socialize with these folks?
I don't quite have enough in common. I'm working on the family aspect, which many share. But I've been the lonely single person too, and we have at least a handful of those folks. Still, I just don't feel as related to these folks as I do to the researchers who make up the ranks.
I know it's logical and standard practice to not get too chummy with folks that you manage, even if they're not directly your folks. It's a stratification of the organizational structure. At once I am drawn to break ranks but still wanting the privileges, protection and influence of the upper echelon.
Fuck.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Life is Good
Instead of relentlessly tweeting, I'll blather on here a bit. That's probably a relief for the two of you who gets my tweets directly to cell phone.
It seems ridiculously relaxing to be sitting at a pub drinking a beer before the wedding of Liz and Miles. I drove three hours, from Northern Baltimore, straight here to participate in the mitzvah of celebrating with Bride and Groom. I'm seriously kvelling, if only because I find myself so incredibly in love with a wonderful woman. I fantasize about a Ward and June Cleaver life with her. I think I'm quite silly. And smitten and in love.
The drive was nice, clear skies and plenty of animals -- wild and domesticated -- to watch along the way. A fair share of flattened tragedies as well, including a small black bear. I try to think of the cycle of life and not get overwrought about death. I spent a lot of time thinking about my sweetie and how gentle and kind she is.
I left her to finish packing her house, in preparation for the move tomorrow to the new apartment, free from the madness of her Ex finally. The apartment is in the same building with her Bubbie and other extended family. The door frame of the apartment bears the marks of at least four different mezzuzot. We nearly crashed into the young Frum woman coming out of the laundry room. I suspect we'll be quite the spectacle in the land of the very Orthodox: me and my yarmulke and men's clothes and she and her giant chest tattoo, us both holding hands everywhere we go.
Don't be afraid. We're actually both very nice.
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It seems ridiculously relaxing to be sitting at a pub drinking a beer before the wedding of Liz and Miles. I drove three hours, from Northern Baltimore, straight here to participate in the mitzvah of celebrating with Bride and Groom. I'm seriously kvelling, if only because I find myself so incredibly in love with a wonderful woman. I fantasize about a Ward and June Cleaver life with her. I think I'm quite silly. And smitten and in love.
The drive was nice, clear skies and plenty of animals -- wild and domesticated -- to watch along the way. A fair share of flattened tragedies as well, including a small black bear. I try to think of the cycle of life and not get overwrought about death. I spent a lot of time thinking about my sweetie and how gentle and kind she is.
I left her to finish packing her house, in preparation for the move tomorrow to the new apartment, free from the madness of her Ex finally. The apartment is in the same building with her Bubbie and other extended family. The door frame of the apartment bears the marks of at least four different mezzuzot. We nearly crashed into the young Frum woman coming out of the laundry room. I suspect we'll be quite the spectacle in the land of the very Orthodox: me and my yarmulke and men's clothes and she and her giant chest tattoo, us both holding hands everywhere we go.
Don't be afraid. We're actually both very nice.
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Friday, September 18, 2009
The New Year
I started out the morning with my love, snuggling and getting frisky. I watch her bounce between the stress of child custody battles and the joy of my distractions. It's not easy and it's been constant. I attempted to draw her anxiety and take it with me, which I may have actually done.
I knew it would be a short day. I had already planned to leave early to get ready for Rosh Hashana. My grumpiness began with a coworker who is better at getting other people to do things than doing them herself. I made a suggestion and asked her to call if it didn't work. I called later to check in. She didn't try, and instead decided to solve the problem by coming in early Monday. Maybe she was going to tell me. Maybe.
Then, too much news reading ensued. Tea baggers and pseudo-political pundits and their poor logic and bad grammar. And their sentence fragments. Who does that?! More co-workers talking loudly in the hallway then stage-whispered secrets. My ire raised like hackles on a wolf. I needed to be alone.
I graused, I tweeted. Is this the way to start the new year? No clearly not. I left my office and the drama-politcs in search of friends. Stood around for a few moments, chatting and teasing. Someone offered me chocolate and I gladly accepted.
This is what it's all about. Friends. Kindness when you need it. Chocolate when you need it. Another excuse to eat gefilte fish and good ole reliable Balducci's challah, round please, to crown the new year with glory.
May this year be better than the last. May we all have peace and love and companionship. May we have solitude when we need it, and a warm strong hand when we need that too.
I'll take the ups and down, Hashem. I'll be loving and supportive when I can, and grumpy when I need to be.
May we all have the space to honor ourselves. May our behaviour honor You, and may our souls be a reflection of Your greatness.
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I knew it would be a short day. I had already planned to leave early to get ready for Rosh Hashana. My grumpiness began with a coworker who is better at getting other people to do things than doing them herself. I made a suggestion and asked her to call if it didn't work. I called later to check in. She didn't try, and instead decided to solve the problem by coming in early Monday. Maybe she was going to tell me. Maybe.
Then, too much news reading ensued. Tea baggers and pseudo-political pundits and their poor logic and bad grammar. And their sentence fragments. Who does that?! More co-workers talking loudly in the hallway then stage-whispered secrets. My ire raised like hackles on a wolf. I needed to be alone.
I graused, I tweeted. Is this the way to start the new year? No clearly not. I left my office and the drama-politcs in search of friends. Stood around for a few moments, chatting and teasing. Someone offered me chocolate and I gladly accepted.
This is what it's all about. Friends. Kindness when you need it. Chocolate when you need it. Another excuse to eat gefilte fish and good ole reliable Balducci's challah, round please, to crown the new year with glory.
May this year be better than the last. May we all have peace and love and companionship. May we have solitude when we need it, and a warm strong hand when we need that too.
I'll take the ups and down, Hashem. I'll be loving and supportive when I can, and grumpy when I need to be.
May we all have the space to honor ourselves. May our behaviour honor You, and may our souls be a reflection of Your greatness.
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Thursday, September 17, 2009
Overwhelming, Sad Day
Dear Peeps, all my peeps, and even the peeps that ain't my peeps: It's gonna be okay. I swear.
Seems like there's a lot of sadness out there today. Today especially. Worn and weary, we are all so tired of trying. Trying and failing. Trying and giving up. Just trying.
Time will pass. The earth will turn and things will change. Probably more slowly than you want. This knot, whatever knot it is that you are trying to unravel, will loosen.
Stop for a moment and listen to the wind. Put both feet on the ground, flat. Feel your feet. Breathe through your nose (if you can). Feel the source of life, universal love, energy, G-d ... what ever you want to call it ... feel it come into you, right through the top of your head.
We're all in this together. All of us. Jews and Muslims. Lovers and exes. Family and friends. Strangers. We are all connected, whether we want to be or not.
So take a breath. Get yourself. Open your eyes. Know where you are. Know that I love you. Hard moments will pass. Love stays. Relax.
Seems like there's a lot of sadness out there today. Today especially. Worn and weary, we are all so tired of trying. Trying and failing. Trying and giving up. Just trying.
Time will pass. The earth will turn and things will change. Probably more slowly than you want. This knot, whatever knot it is that you are trying to unravel, will loosen.
Stop for a moment and listen to the wind. Put both feet on the ground, flat. Feel your feet. Breathe through your nose (if you can). Feel the source of life, universal love, energy, G-d ... what ever you want to call it ... feel it come into you, right through the top of your head.
We're all in this together. All of us. Jews and Muslims. Lovers and exes. Family and friends. Strangers. We are all connected, whether we want to be or not.
So take a breath. Get yourself. Open your eyes. Know where you are. Know that I love you. Hard moments will pass. Love stays. Relax.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Inglourious Basterds -- did I misspell that correctly?
Sick and gross, first of all. It is a Quentin Tarantino movie. So get ready. I'd like to say you can set that aside and consider the rest of the movie, but the violence, after all is part of the point. Violence we do to each other. Cruelty we inflict, and when do we find it okay. When do we cheer or simply smile smugly? In the end we shoot each other, whether we are already dying or not.
I did smile. I did. Jeff quoted someone else (Mel Brooks?) saying, "it's always funny when a Nazi gets shot." There was a disgusting joy in watching Hitler picked apart in slo mo by bullets. Then, there is the general desire to see some wacky US dudes wreaking terror on the Nazis, tormenting them with the stories of their disgusting rituals.
The winner for best Jeff Toppall quote of the night:
After Brad Pitt gives his wacked-out, violent and non-PC sales pitch to the new recruits, Jeff leans over and says, "Sounds like you at a staff meeting." He would know, but he hasn't seen me in action for over ten years. I have a little more chutzpah now than before. Feel the power.
Honestly, I'll have to see the movie again to stitch it all together. The symbolism is constant, it seems. Time management is amazing. From the old-style credits at the beginning of the movie, QT slows us down to get ready for the lengthy and detailed opening "Chapter." Character development without words, in the faces of the actors, was amazing. The bad guy was really well done. You *knew* him by the end. And you also knew what was coming to him. And it felt good.
Feel the power.
I did smile. I did. Jeff quoted someone else (Mel Brooks?) saying, "it's always funny when a Nazi gets shot." There was a disgusting joy in watching Hitler picked apart in slo mo by bullets. Then, there is the general desire to see some wacky US dudes wreaking terror on the Nazis, tormenting them with the stories of their disgusting rituals.
The winner for best Jeff Toppall quote of the night:
After Brad Pitt gives his wacked-out, violent and non-PC sales pitch to the new recruits, Jeff leans over and says, "Sounds like you at a staff meeting." He would know, but he hasn't seen me in action for over ten years. I have a little more chutzpah now than before. Feel the power.
Honestly, I'll have to see the movie again to stitch it all together. The symbolism is constant, it seems. Time management is amazing. From the old-style credits at the beginning of the movie, QT slows us down to get ready for the lengthy and detailed opening "Chapter." Character development without words, in the faces of the actors, was amazing. The bad guy was really well done. You *knew* him by the end. And you also knew what was coming to him. And it felt good.
Feel the power.
Yes, Yes, O Yes: to remember my toes
I know, I know. Too long without posting! Lack of info, lack of consistency. It's like the rest of my life, things fall apart and I come back later to push it all into a pile again.
You should see my desk. It is an avalanche of paper waiting for a good echo to release it. "Hellooooooo!" Getting my shit together, it seems, is and will be an ongoing project. Honestly, I'm okay with that.
Love and it's complications have arrived. Let us (and by us I mean me) endeavor to keep sight of ourselves (meaning myself and all it's parts... there are many) and making sure we do what is in our best interests. Keep our word, yes. Say the right ones and mean it. Yes, yes. Restate and clarify and then, yes, protect the space.
It is the space I needed, truly. I could probably take more but I too crave the companionship. Alas: I am still figuring myself out. Thank you for your patience. And your honesty and communication. And yes, you did make it thunder, of that I am sure.
Right! Back to me! Ummmm....
You should see my desk. It is an avalanche of paper waiting for a good echo to release it. "Hellooooooo!" Getting my shit together, it seems, is and will be an ongoing project. Honestly, I'm okay with that.
Love and it's complications have arrived. Let us (and by us I mean me) endeavor to keep sight of ourselves (meaning myself and all it's parts... there are many) and making sure we do what is in our best interests. Keep our word, yes. Say the right ones and mean it. Yes, yes. Restate and clarify and then, yes, protect the space.
It is the space I needed, truly. I could probably take more but I too crave the companionship. Alas: I am still figuring myself out. Thank you for your patience. And your honesty and communication. And yes, you did make it thunder, of that I am sure.
Right! Back to me! Ummmm....
Saturday, August 8, 2009
O how the mighty have fallen
Or maybe just how they've gotten old. Let's face it folks: I am not 20 years old anymore. I am just not as resilient.
I had to sleep. I pulled over and maybe shoulda set an alarm. I didn't wake up until there was a crying baby outside my window. That'll wake you up.
Okay so it's 7:30 now. I'm relatively well rested after the standard 5 hour nap. I'll miss the Farmer's market on Peoria, but I should be there in time for the Scoggins shin-dig.
Full costume change. Coffee. Rub eyes one more time. Let's go!
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