Mothers

What a loaded topic. And, with the passage of time, an even more loaded one as my friends become mothers.

I struggle. I know my mother was not 100% evil, but the extent... the content... evilness was there. Not just the usual "mama don't understand me" crap. Not just "she didn't love me" or whatev'. No no. Seriously sick shit. That was the content. Part of it. Enough.

So... I struggle first with a basic precept I have sworn to myself and G-d to uphold: honoring one's parents. I give myself a pass with not saying anything, not going into details, not being outwardly, actively hateful. But the hatred is there, G-d help me. And deserved... and that's where the root is, making it hard to weed out.

I don't want to get into a contest, a whose-mama-is-worst contest. I don't even want to share stories really. I don't want your details and I don't want to give you mine. Not really. I replay them in my head enough as it is. I slash at the memories with an imaginary knife and muy thai moves I've never seen. I am the memory killer. Or so I try. If I could get numb enough, I might not have the memories. For years I tried to let them wash through me -- an emotional storm tearing through a wide flat landscape. I tried the Eastern religion trip... the life is suffering, so just expect less and you won't be pissed all the time trip. It works. Especially if you're in the running for the best doormat in town. At least that's how it worked out for me.

No the issue is and continues to be: when I put my wants into the equation, I can't balance for peace. If I put nothing into the equation, I can accomodate, duck, support, whatever. But when I show up, in all my glory and splendor....

I'm pissing on myself, of course. Already. Verbally, loquaciously and with every corner of my vocabulary I'll smack myself around. Makes it sound good. Makes it really important and very right. This is how it's done. Rise up, smack down. See? I do it to myself, I've been trained so well. THAT wins the "good job", the "nicely done"... not the effort to incorporate what I want into the grand equation of life.

Easier. Known.

Still not safe.

There is no peace here. I am frightened... out of my mind frightened. But I have to change. Now.