Horoscopes

I often tell people that the religion I was raised with was astrology. My mother was always one-foot-out-the-door of whatever religion she was trying on at the time, and facing the old stand-by of astrology. Church of Christ... Mercury in retrograde... Methodist... Venus trine Mars... Unitarian... double shot of Taurus with an Aries ascendent. Astrology was the only real consistency. That and her Edgar Cayce stuff.

So I know what my chart says, mostly. I get it re-plotted every so often and take a look at it, and try to pull real meaning out of a computer generated reading. I ran my numbers again yesterday and read my chart and the associated break down. And I realized, I'm older now than the last time I read this. I've tried to fix some stuff. And occassionally something surprizes me.

"You are a doer and thrive on freedom, challenge, and activity." I never FELT this so strongly before, probably because I was always working within the confines of a relationship. Yes, I must have my freedom. And if you don't give it to me, I will take it. I am a thief at heart, just trying to do right.

"You have three major faults: one is your bullheaded obstinacy. The second is your unwillingness to deviate from your safe, predictable routine. And the third is your tendency to always insist upon realism and undervalue the imaginative, speculative, and fanciful - in other words, you lack the ability to play with ideas and possibilities, to open your mind to the new." Okay, I can't really get rid of the first, just try to be aware. I actively battle against the 2nd. The third fault is susceptible to time and the swinging pendulum of my mind.

"The unusual and unorthodox appeal to you, and you do not allow tradition, convention, or other people's expectations to dictate how you are going to live your life." Amen.

"A great deal of physical affection, closeness, and touching is essential to your well-being, and you have a tendency to overindulge in sensual comforts and pleasures. At times you substitute food for emotional comfort and love." Mmmmhmmm. Pet me please. It will make me skinny.

The computerized astrologer is also often contradictory. It tells me that I'm at once gentle and aggressive, self-serving and extremely giving, and on and on. I consider these to be areas that I've worked on, or continue to work on. It also tells me that I tend to be a loner and yet "you tend to feel lonely, even when you are in the company of others." What to do with that?

"You like to be original and do not mind going it alone. You may feel that you do not fit into groups very well, and that you do not naturally blend in and cooperate with others very easily. You like to be either a leader or a loner."

Ah, lonely loner, where are you going?

The Great Ship

I can't imagine being on Noah's Ark. I read the exact dimensions every year, and I marvel at a G-d that understands the need for a multi-level, extra water-proofed vessel. I marvel at the direction communication that breaks down instructions like an IKEA manual.

I can imagine being on a giant ship... all of the people on it being subject to the same tides and waves. I imagine this great ship with all my friends, all the people I care about. Sometimes I'm right there next to them, as they're blowing chunks over the side of the boat. Sometimes they're in the front and I'm in the back and we're all being tossed around, just dealing with the deck furniture flying around.

I talk to my friends, all the time. I think that living alone may have exacerbated this situation. I know I used to do it before, sometimes actually speaking out loud, in a sudden burst of emotion and startling myself back to reality. When I was perpetually partnered, I would crave time alone just so I could have these sort of internal conversations (that occassionally crept external). Now I have the time I want, and I relish it. And, I talk outloud sometimes.

The perspective from the outside of my life looks way more fantastic than it is. I guess that's normal. What to me is wandering aimlessly on my Vespa is to someone else a mini-adventure. So what if I'm freezing or frustrated by my inability to get to class on time, I'm still cruising around on Awesome... and I'm free.

I am critical of my relative success. Watching and re-meeting my friends on Facebook makes me a little nutty about success. I want to be speaking Hebrew. I want to be beautifully, ridiculously skinny and gorgeous. I want to be nicer, and not scare people away with my fire. Calculations of my success look something like this: (workout*2) + martial arts(3-1) + late night eating+95% - no Hebrew*18 + socializing*1 + services*2 + purring cat. It really doesn't look that much worse from the inside... The truth is, my life is good. I've got money stress, and work stress, and I could use some physical affection, but I don't want to give up my life or my freedoms. The truth is, love and affection is too important to be tossing it around randomly around people I care about. Maybe this is why gay men just cruise and screw anonymously. I don't want to break anyone's heart, and I don't want to get involved. I just want to smell and kiss a beautiful woman. Periodically. Potentially randomly.

Maybe I could run into her on the lower deck, after the ship has stopped rolling around in the storm.