Sweet, Bitter, Shalem, Shalom

I have to stop to beg
which is another way to pray
I beg for a moment
for a slice of time when I am fine
otherwise I fling from heartbeating to heartracing
am flung from up to down and around
wondering why
why this why that why now bastard
how could you
do that
be that
want that
wish that
when?
when will I get a moment of rest
to
stop
tears
instead of watering them and watching them grow

time is tight like skin over a burn
the universe hates me and sends
sickness upon all who touch me
I have pleaded, unworthy
wished, without giving first
is that it? is it a price to pay?
is it all chits in the bank
tokens to sell, deficits and profits
score keeping tallies and
tandem break downs
tortured souls tapping out
rhythms and syllablles
never spoken but
screamed in here, between my ears
time telling what
only time will tell

she keeps her secrets and slyly seduces me
with a humor only she understands.
the joke's on me

I am
upright for which I am eternally gratefull
thinking, my Lord and for that I am proud
You did that.
If I thank You for each breath with each breath
can I have all I wish for?
Will all my wishes come like horses and
trample me to the ground?

I consider I already have my wish
I already praise Thee Adonai,
with each breath and every language I know
olde english, hebrew and so
I
want
still

I tried to cut it out of me, to
bang it out with my fists

I set my wanting aside and only observe
even then I am thronged by masses souls hearts
in need of things
life, love, comfort
energy
You, God, give us all we wish for
we do not know how to stop it
how to handle it
make it go when it seems gone

My people
these people of my heart
the ones I have dared to let in and love
the ones who I care for
whether they know it or not
these people, my people,
if I bless them You must promise not
to curse them

Would I trade this world
the one where any man
upright
can stand with death in his hand
for one where no one can stand upright?
Choice, my God, hurts.

If you can't make it not hurt,
if that's part of the whole nasty deal
can you show me why?
Can you give a picture, so I could explain?
Or just comfort myself
silently in slow tears.

I consider, I already have my wish.

Dripping quietly behind dual monitors
hiding behind technology because the rest is
too hard, my God, it's too hard.
yes I feel my feet,
so far both of them.
What are you telling me?
What is the message? The moral of the story?
I tempt fate, leaving my door open
weeping openly
I tempt fate, living so
walking around town with this cap on my crown
I do tempt fate

Bring it to me. Bring me the gun man
bring me the hater
I will surely take out my rage for You on him
and so,
disgrace your Face
shame You

To not defend is also a crime
lesser yes but how

sitting here,
naked as the Naked Lunch
I suckle my own instincts
to bring something of nourishment for the rest
I pull from my own
to see into the distance
type without checking
the endless sheet of paper I never have to change
I consider I have my wish

Naked, yes, I was

Am Still naked in front of you.
The faces of friends who read
are shocked to see me
Upright
knowing the dark corners
surprized to find me functional
Others know
from experience direct Direct evidence
Without others present I must
pass the crazy torch to myself
Yes I am that crazy
Passion unbridled and luckily mostly uninterested
beware the laser focus of intent
you may burn under its intesity
or just crush under its weight

Naked here me
For you, for me To what end?
What for?
Why?
Why now?
Writer's block
writer's flow much worse when you can't turn it off
much more frightening when you know you can't control
when it comes or when it goes
how fast
how far
how bitter or sweet

Waking up
Will you wake up?
Will you snap out of it
And go back to the work that is
Our Every Day Lives
It's packageable and sold
black market costs more
and tastes so sweet

Life, not for sale
Not for hire
We hardly know how to steer it
much less ride
Much less plan
Driven by passion by force
I insist on the will to resist
I cannot condone the random violence
I must insist it be planned
thought through
and ultimately disregarded
because it will not work
It won't work

Talk to me
That's all we can do really
Talk, try to understand
Communicate.
Talk to me, what do you need?
You know I am here for you
I exist to keep you
upright, standing
breathing deeply.

I duck, from
birds slamming into my windows
from feet standing in front of me
I can only see toes
as I duck
behind my monitors
behind my every day.

I'll wave to you as I pass by
If you'll blow kisses as you go.
Send love, strength and hope
In buckets and boatloads
To the Celstial Processing Center
for intensive distribution
to my people sweet hearts
the ones who don't even know